Movie I Watched by Accident

 Have you ever seen the movie, 'Little Miss Sunshine'?

I can't say I recommend it for everyone. I saw the TV version of it a few years ago, when I was sitting with a non-combative patient and I was actually able to watch the whole thing. Apparently it has a lot of curse words because it seemed like (at a few parts of the movie at least) every other word was bleeped out. (That was pretty annoying).

I wouldn't want to watch it casually. It's one of those deep-thinking movies and it has a few moments that are so memorable and iconic, they have stuck with me.

 Its all about this really messed up family going on a road trip and getting closer together.

The thing that made it cool for me was the brother and sister relationship. The brother realizes how screwed up his family is and wants out. His goal is to become a Air Force pilot and, in some kind of a warped protest, he does not speak at all for the first half of the movie. I found it kind of funny how he didn't need to talk to convey emotion and mood, and even to communicate.

The sister (little miss sunshine) is busy just being the best-est, happiest little girl she can possibly be. She is overweight and not exceptionally attractive, but her optimism and winning personality have given her a spot on in a beauty contest...in California. So the whole family; Mom, Dad, Post-suicidal Uncle, and Drug-addict Grandpa all load up in the family van and head out.

I don't know what it is about road trip stories, but I like them :-D

There's this part in the movie where the boy and his sister are playing with those little dot cards that test for color blindness and the brother can't see the numbers.

(It's the number seven, just in case you were wondering)

Then he learns he's color blind, and his goal of becoming a military pilot is not achievable.

I only saw the movie once and it was a couple of years ago but I still remember how he freaks out and screams with just this complete anguish. And the family pulls the van over to the side of the road (see the picture I put together below.) Mom and Dad are mindful of their schedule and deadlines and try, unsuccessfully, to talk him back into the car. Then the 'Little Miss Sunshine', just lays her head on her brother's shoulder in a show of support.

(Iconic moment number one...Care about someone this way?)

The Year I Made the Dean's List (And wasn't even trying.)

Way back in the day when I was, like, fourteen years old. (nine years ago...wow.)  I started going to the local community college. At first, I took relatively easy courses. But as time passed, I got my license and my enrollment status increased, I took the opportunity to do a very stupid thing.

I enrolled full time, VERY full time.

The way I saw it, my life was on a schedule. If I took a full set of credits at one school and completed training as a Certified Nurse Assistant at another; at the end of term I could get "real" job and be "on target" with my career goals.

And it worked out, kinda.

I did get through my English, Science, Behavioral science, Equine science, and CNA Program classes. I passed all of them with good grades. (Very good, actually.) But it cost me a lot.

Two days a week, I was at the school from about 8 am to 11pm. The three other days I was in school from 7am to 3pm.  When I got home, I studied.

I didn't sleep in a bed, I slept in front of a computer doing assignments. Or on the floor. I believe one of my brother's still has a picture of me with my head laying on the computer desk, holding a pencil because I had fallen asleep taking notes.

I rarely went to church. (Gratefully I was able to seminary from a manual that semester. I actually got a lot more out of it then I did when I went to classes in the morning.)

I did gain a lot from that semester. I discovered that I love writing, all kinds.  I love studying people and how they interact.  I love learning (too much!). I got to meet some really weird people, and I got to help some really weird people.

At the end of the semester I got a manila envelope in the mail. Inside there was a certificate. Apparently, through my own sheer stupidity, I had met all the requirements for the dean's list.

The accomplishment didn't make me happy. Actually, I totally resented it.

I wasn't  trying to accomplish a feat (W.O.W reference ;)) I was just working as hard as I could. Then it struck me that virtually no one was proud of what I was doing. (No one, besides my Mom and Dad, even acknowledged that I was taking college courses at sixteen years of age. No one took me aside and said "I know this is hard, I'm proud of you, I believe in you.")

This little paper was the only acknowledgement I had in that area. To the rest of the world, my dreams, my accomplishments meant very little.

I ended up buying a "deans list" charm for $40(I used to keep a charm bracelet, I think I wore it two times in my life.) to remind me of the experience.  Unfortunately, this experience has repeated itself many times.

 Now when someone tells me about their dreams: I get exited about it, because it's a precious thing. Once a guy told me he wanted to go to a university and become an optometrist and I shouted at him "REALLY? That is so cool!" The look on his face was pretty priceless.

Big revelation: Sometimes the effort is not worth it, but when it is, own it.

Diabetes and Dialysis

I work at a nursing home and when someone gets sick I am responsible for sending them out to the hospital.

Once after sending someone out, the LVN and I were working on paperwork and the CNA asked:
"Why are so many Dialysis people diabetic?" (If you don't know, dialysis is a procedure that filters waste from the blood by any number of methods...areustillreadingthis?ok.itsabouttogetlessboringipromise...the most common being directly from the blood through an artificial shunt or catheter. People often get sick after undergoing dialysis because the filtering process takes out so many chemicals from the blood and their body can't handle it.)

"Well, you know, that's what causes renal failure."

"What?"

"Yeah, those big sugar globules in your blood? They get caught in the renal tubules, in your kidneys, and make it so your urine can't filter out of your blood."

On thing I should probably add: this co worker admitted to me that she has been a diabetic since she was a child and has never sought treatment or lived a "diabetic lifestyle".

She didn't say anything, but the look on her face told me that this was the first she'd ever heard of such a thing. People have a tenancy to dismiss chronic illness when they don't feel symptoms. They say stuff like, "Its not a big deal for me", and "You only live once", but they never think of that when they really come to terms with their own mortality.

(I'm going to have to edit myself here because I could really go into specifics...but it would take too long.)

I didn't tell my co worker the rest of the pathophys. That high glucose levels damage every capillary bed in your body...your brain, your heart, your fingertips causing vascular disease and tissue death.

What we did talk about (a little bit, it was kind of a crazy night): that diabetes today is a very manageable illness. Because it is fairly common, it's been studied extensively. There are tons of alternatives that make living a lifestyle in which a diabetic person can keep their glucose levels under control much easier.  And that is what prevents massively dehabilitated state I see a lot of people in.

I don't want to be the one to go around "YOU WILL DIE A TERRIBLE DEATH IF YOU DO SUCH AND SUCH!" (Well, actually, I kind of would, but people don't respond to that very well. ;D ) but it's amazing how powerful, and applicable, a simple fact can be to the person who doesn't know it yet.

It was kind of nice because the next day, she showed up to work with a whole wheat sandwich, with lots of romaine lettuce!  Made me feel real good.

Please Know This....

If I talk like the Lizard People are real...

(It's because they are)

If it annoys you...

(too bad)

Stress

Stress Sucks. Big time. It makes your heart feel like it's beating really fast and you can't concentrate on anything. People say stress is a motivator, but that must be a completely different kind of stress then what I have. It's like my mind is trying to process information and every time something is about to make sense it shuts down, gets interrupted.

 This stupid feeling gets in the way of everything I ever wanted to do or accomplish with my life. I used to have goals and aspirations, now I just want to cover up what I'm feeling with "Stuff-to-do". Apparently keeping busy (according to some friends of mine) is supposed to make you feel better. In my opinion, its like some prescription medications: it covers up the symptoms while the disease gets worse.

 One well meaning individual told me to "Find a passion." The problem: 1) I HAD A PASSION! Stress takes away the enjoyment I got out of it. 2) I have no motivation or drive to find a new one. When I go out, I really want to have a good time, but it's hard because underneath I still feel IT.

 When I think about all the stuff I used to want to do, that I don't want to anymore, I my stomach gets in knots. It makes life very rigid and inflexible. People keep telling me: "Oh, You are just stressed because of _______. Once that is taken care, of you will get better." I really don't think they know what they are talking about, or they are lying through their teeth.

 It also really burns when people tell me to "Just fix it" because if it were that simple I would have found a way to do this years ago. It's a pretty persistent thought/behavior pattern, and it hasn't been relieved by the stuff people said was causing it.

 I've been relying on the advice/experience of other people too much. I need to remember that they aren't me and no matter how much they care (or say they do) they don't live my life and can't understand. This is something I've gotten myself into because I listened to what other people said was "good for me." Instead of listening to my own instincts and figuring it out on my own.

 At this point, the only thing I know for sure is that, now that I have recognized it for what it is, my life needs to change...and soon. Until I make the changes, I can't expect to feel any better.

My first set of appliances:

Awkward moments....

Awkward moments are like the punctuation in the sentences of my life. They are so prevalent that I have come to expect/anticipate them in nearly every situation I encounter. They used to really bother me because I didn't understand why they occurred.

At one time, I knew a lady who was in her mid-forties, married with teenage kids who found out she was pregnant with another child.

Pregnancy is a touchy subject, and every man and woman approaches it with a different attitude.

I don't like making assumptions about ambiguous information, and body language says a lot about how someone is feeling. If someone says "I'm pregnant!" and has a radiant smile on her/his face, then I would say "congratulations!" because they've already told you...without having to say anything...how they felt about it. If someone says "I'm pregnant" with a straight face, they are probably early in the pregnancy and/or are ambivalent about it.

I did something that is pretty characteristic for me: I asked her how she felt about the news...Not in a confrontational way, I just said something like "Wow, that's got to be a big change in your life."

This is called an open-ended question. It allows people to collect their thoughts and express themselves the way they want to as opposed to 'bating' someone to give a certain response.

She told me that although it was unexpected, she viewed it as a blessing from God. After she was done talking I congratulated her. Then she gave me a hug, which I wasn't expecting but I returned it.

Afterward there was a silence for a moment, then she asked me, "Was that awkward for you." I told her the truth; that it had caught me off-guard. NEVER TELL THAT TO A PREGNANT WOMAN!
I wish I wasn't so blunt, but I am. No tact at all!

She started bawling and I was all like "Aww... don't cry!” I tried to explain that it wasn't her fault "Hugs are good!", but that just made it worse...

That's when I started becoming aware of the abundance of awkward moments in my life.

There are misunderstandings in life, people are different (me) and don't react the way you might expect (me).

I didn't think of the hug as awkward, but she obviously did. This instance made me be more cognizant of my body language and how I interact with others.

But it also kind of helped me look at people in a new way. Because even though people are different, all want the same things (unless you have a severe personality disorder); to feel understood, respected, and loved.
I try to feel for what they mean instead of just hear what they say.