Stress

Stress Sucks. Big time. It makes your heart feel like it's beating really fast and you can't concentrate on anything. People say stress is a motivator, but that must be a completely different kind of stress then what I have. It's like my mind is trying to process information and every time something is about to make sense it shuts down, gets interrupted.

 This stupid feeling gets in the way of everything I ever wanted to do or accomplish with my life. I used to have goals and aspirations, now I just want to cover up what I'm feeling with "Stuff-to-do". Apparently keeping busy (according to some friends of mine) is supposed to make you feel better. In my opinion, its like some prescription medications: it covers up the symptoms while the disease gets worse.

 One well meaning individual told me to "Find a passion." The problem: 1) I HAD A PASSION! Stress takes away the enjoyment I got out of it. 2) I have no motivation or drive to find a new one. When I go out, I really want to have a good time, but it's hard because underneath I still feel IT.

 When I think about all the stuff I used to want to do, that I don't want to anymore, I my stomach gets in knots. It makes life very rigid and inflexible. People keep telling me: "Oh, You are just stressed because of _______. Once that is taken care, of you will get better." I really don't think they know what they are talking about, or they are lying through their teeth.

 It also really burns when people tell me to "Just fix it" because if it were that simple I would have found a way to do this years ago. It's a pretty persistent thought/behavior pattern, and it hasn't been relieved by the stuff people said was causing it.

 I've been relying on the advice/experience of other people too much. I need to remember that they aren't me and no matter how much they care (or say they do) they don't live my life and can't understand. This is something I've gotten myself into because I listened to what other people said was "good for me." Instead of listening to my own instincts and figuring it out on my own.

 At this point, the only thing I know for sure is that, now that I have recognized it for what it is, my life needs to change...and soon. Until I make the changes, I can't expect to feel any better.

My first set of appliances:

Awkward moments....

Awkward moments are like the punctuation in the sentences of my life. They are so prevalent that I have come to expect/anticipate them in nearly every situation I encounter. They used to really bother me because I didn't understand why they occurred.

At one time, I knew a lady who was in her mid-forties, married with teenage kids who found out she was pregnant with another child.

Pregnancy is a touchy subject, and every man and woman approaches it with a different attitude.

I don't like making assumptions about ambiguous information, and body language says a lot about how someone is feeling. If someone says "I'm pregnant!" and has a radiant smile on her/his face, then I would say "congratulations!" because they've already told you...without having to say anything...how they felt about it. If someone says "I'm pregnant" with a straight face, they are probably early in the pregnancy and/or are ambivalent about it.

I did something that is pretty characteristic for me: I asked her how she felt about the news...Not in a confrontational way, I just said something like "Wow, that's got to be a big change in your life."

This is called an open-ended question. It allows people to collect their thoughts and express themselves the way they want to as opposed to 'bating' someone to give a certain response.

She told me that although it was unexpected, she viewed it as a blessing from God. After she was done talking I congratulated her. Then she gave me a hug, which I wasn't expecting but I returned it.

Afterward there was a silence for a moment, then she asked me, "Was that awkward for you." I told her the truth; that it had caught me off-guard. NEVER TELL THAT TO A PREGNANT WOMAN!
I wish I wasn't so blunt, but I am. No tact at all!

She started bawling and I was all like "Aww... don't cry!” I tried to explain that it wasn't her fault "Hugs are good!", but that just made it worse...

That's when I started becoming aware of the abundance of awkward moments in my life.

There are misunderstandings in life, people are different (me) and don't react the way you might expect (me).

I didn't think of the hug as awkward, but she obviously did. This instance made me be more cognizant of my body language and how I interact with others.

But it also kind of helped me look at people in a new way. Because even though people are different, all want the same things (unless you have a severe personality disorder); to feel understood, respected, and loved.
I try to feel for what they mean instead of just hear what they say.